To Order and Provide

There is something deep within the caverns of my soul that longs for control.

I want to fix.  I want to order.  I want to solve.

I should be able to fix myself.  I should be able to solve the heartbreaks of those I love.  I should be able to figure out the chaos that seems to bombard this life.  Everyday I feel the stirring deep inside me, my own flesh, wanting to have the answers.  Wanting to be the answer. 

I struggle with peace.  I struggle with surrender.  I yearn for a good battle to fight.  I long to finally fix myself.  This season a physical struggle and oppressive fatigue drives me to want to make myself better.  I should be able to fix this!

What a beautiful thing it is that God knows us.  Knows us deep into our souls.  And He loves to teach us, with kindness and tenderness.  Always He is there, gently guiding.  Gently leading.

He led me to a "new" song the other day.  Really it was a song I've known all my life and yet when I heard it just recently it brought chills to my heart.  I've listened to it maybe a hundred times since then and every time it does the same thing to me.  How desperately I need these words.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain

Leave to thy God to order and provide

In every change He faithful will provide

Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

 

I need this reminder.  I need every piece of it.  I want it burned into my soul.

 

I don't want to fix.  To order.  To solve.  I want to be still.  To leave to my God.  There my spirit finds peace.  There my soul finds rest.